fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
