Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
