Don't make out with my wife yet
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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