she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
