I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
