the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
