508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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