It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Found the puke drawer
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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