Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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