Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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