remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
