Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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