So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
love makes seman taste better
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just pee around me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
