When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Come see our sink grown plant.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I am naked and annoyed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
