i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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