I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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