Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
