I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sext me about skeletons
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
