once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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