The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
