So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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