I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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