I just gift wrapped bread.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
