Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
