I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
