Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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