I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
