Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
