my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
