if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Randomize
