You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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