wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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