Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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