i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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