I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
