Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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