Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
