i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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