dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
