Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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