Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
