I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
