apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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