I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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