i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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