Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
