i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
