After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
