I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
