Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
