i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I take back everything I said about communal showers
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
