There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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